to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
