hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
