Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
