Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
