The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
