Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
