it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
