Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
