I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
