all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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