In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Can I color on your dick again?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
