yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
