What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
