I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
