i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
