T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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