thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
