the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
