I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
