I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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