He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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