Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
