Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
