He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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