I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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