I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
