I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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