I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
