You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
