Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize