My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
