I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
