so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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