Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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