GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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