I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
