I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
