All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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