Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
