I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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