I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Bring me that man meat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize