I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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