got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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