i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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