As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize