I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
