she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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