I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
