I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
