I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
