Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
