tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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