the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
MIDGETS
????
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
