pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
