apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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