I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
