Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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