I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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