i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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