yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
