I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
