the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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