she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
