Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize