it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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